I have Moved!

My Rant Can now be seen at

paxye.com/blog

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Moving

I am in the process of moving.... by blog that is... not my home....
I got a new computer last week... a really cool laptop that I can use in the middle of the livingroom while the boys are playing... (of course I am spending too much time on it the last few days)
Anyways... I want to start my business now... selling wraps and slings not only from home but from the internet... (also, teething necklaces, buckwheat nursing pillows, babywearing poncho etc) I also want to make it a AP info site....
So I got a domain name and a year of hosting and I am going to get my site up and running in the near future... www.paxye.com
I decided that the move to wordpress will also be a cool move... The categories, the versatility etc...
so the new blog will be located at paxye.com/blog
It is still a work in progress so I will say when the move will be official....

Another sad day... another little story

The very day that we arrived in Montreal back in 86 we went to see the fireworks. By chance we met up with an old friend of my mom’s from way back when… He was married at the time and they just had a baby… however, the relationship was far from good at the time..
Within a few years his marriage had fallen apart and I started to see him more and more often at our home. It was good, I liked him a lot and he was very respectful, of me and my mother.
When it was time for us to get a new apartment he asked me if I would mind if he moved in with us. He explained that he had not yet talked about it with my mom because he wanted my opinion first… with that move he got my respect and he became a very important part of my life, and within a month or two we were living as a family. I was in my early teens when he came into our home and quickly he became a father figure for me. He was a real “Dad” We had fun times, long talks, laughs, spats… he gave advice, looked out for me, presented me as his daughter, chauffeured me around… everything that I expect a “real” father would have done….
The thing about Roger was that he was just an amazing man… he was always the center of attention, he was always the one that everyone wanted to be with, he was the life of the party, he was a walking encyclopedia of music and sports, he was intelligent, he was street-smart, he was honest and thought good of everyone, he was hard working, he was sensitive, he was always there for the ones that he cared for, he was one of the most amazing men that I have had the honor of meeting in my whole life. All of these qualities made him loved by everyone and his job of barman was just a perfect match…
A few years ago he was diagnosed with Hep C…, it scared him and he didn’t do the things that he should have done to get things under control… he was scared to leave a lifestyle behind that had been part of him for so long… At that point the relationship with my mom had also deteriorated and things were just a bit off for him…Not long after, he was diagnosed with cirrhosis and a tumor that was the size of a large orange was found in his liver that was beyond treatment.
He was given 9 months to live.
He was a grandpa, he was ready to leave a part of his life behind, he was ready to live better an healthier but it was too late…
He started on a experimental treatment that would help buy a little more time and through it all there where many ups and downs… He was so proud of me and he was so much in love with Xavier. They had an amazing relationship and they had a very special connection. Xavier loved his “Pops”
Soon after I found out I was pregnant with Colin, in the spring of 2004, Roger was going through very rough times. He was hospitalized a few times because his disease was affecting his brain making him confused and delirious, it had been a year that he had been diagnosed and we thought that he wouldn’t make it to summer… Summer came and so did cottage time and his spirits and heath rose… he was in good enough shape to enjoy the time that he and my mom spent up north, he was in good enough shape to help us put some paint on the walls, he was in good enough shape for us to have a great summer with him, I regained the hope that he would meet Colin… In September he was there when Colin was born and it was one of the happiest moments of my life…
However, his health went back down as the weather got colder, we celebrated his birthday on Oct 4th, we had a great Thanksgiving supper (the first traditional super that I have made) and we talked on the phone more and more often as we saw each other less and less as he got sicker… On Dec 7th of last year we talked on the phone, laughed and said I love you and during the night he took a turn for the worst and died in the hospital the next day…
It has been a year today and I miss him more then anything… I still cry every few days, I still talk about him often with Xavier and Xavier still remembers him vividly… I don’t want him to lose that…
The world lost an amazing man one year ago today….

It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas....

We had a productive day today...
The kids let us sleep in until 7:30 this morning... but even with the late start on the morning (and yes, 7:30 is late compared to the time that Colin usually wakes us up) we got the house work done by noon... even cleaning up spots that we never have the time to get to....
We then got the Xmas lights put up outside while the kids had their naps and we were just finishing when they both woke up... Then the Xmas tree went up... With Xmas music in thebackground, Xavier, and even Colin, helped put decorations on the tree, and I got the stockings up too...
Both kids are in awe of the lights that are hanging outside of their window...
And tonight we are ltting Xavier stay up late to watch the Wizard of Oz with us....

It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas....


(....though the Sushi I made for supper kind of ends it on a weird note LOL...
but hey! it's Saturday and Sushi is my favorite Saturday meal ;) )

Anyways...

Here are some pics...

World AIDS day today.. a little story

On June 14th 1980 my mom met a man at his birthday party thrown by mutual friends and drew an instant connection with him.

He was gay and had always wanted a family and my mom was looking for someone to be part of my life also... a few months later he asked her to marry him, A marriage between friends, a family for him. But things where cut short because he was illegally in Canada at that moment. He had been in the Secret Service in the US (Intelligence) in the Vietnam war, and hadn't been able to get across the border, so he had sneaked in through the woods north of Spokane WA...
He was discovered and needed to leave immediately...
We headed to AZ a few months later, then he came back to see us and then again we went back to him... Around his birthday again in 1982 while we where in AZ he and my mom saw the "White Wedding" music video and decided to get married within a few days... On June 21st 1982, Miguel became my "Daddy"... and from that day forward I saw him as my Dad.... he was a big part of my life, his family became mine and he was proud of me...
My mom wanted to live in Canada and he wanted to stay in the US but that didn't keep us apart for long. We either went to AZ or he was with us in Nelson.
the most important part of all of it was that he was committed to me, the marriage that he had with my mother was to become my father and it was a role he didn't take lightly... However, in 1984, he found out he was HIV+ ...
When we moved to Quebec however, things changed a bit because it was farther but we tried to get down to AZ as often as possible and we always had a relationship through the phone and letters....
He got sicker and sicker as the years past and in 1996 he was getting sicker but felt awful more because of the meds then the disease itself so he stopped talking the meds all together at that time... In April 97 I talked to him one day and he told me that his T-Cells count was down to 4... A few weeks later, on May 8th, a Thursday night, 13 years after he found out he was HIV+ , the night of my last College Exam and I was out partying, I came back to my boyfriends apartment and came face to face with a note from my mom... it was not like her to call without a reason and I learned a few minutes later that he had died that morning...
Miguel was an amazing, intelligent, funny, charismatic, handsome, loving man and the most amazing father that I could have had in those crucial year of my life...
I still think of him often, I still talk to my family in AZ, I wonder if he would be proud of me now, I would have loved for him to see his grandkids...

Most of all.....

I miss him...

Micheal "Miguel" Keith Kirkman
1944 -1997

100 things about me

1. My favourite colour is Red
2. I was born in Montreal
3. I was raised in Nelson BC by my mom
4. My mom has been married twice
5. My mom has been widowed twice
6. My Dad is still alive
7. My mom’s first husband and the first man that I saw to be my dad was gay… he died of Aids in 97
8. I met my dad when I was 9
9. I met Simon through a BBS
10. I got married in 1999 at 21
11. I wore my “Docs’’ sandals under my wedding dress
12. He wasn’t my “style” but I fell in love with him instantly
13. I never wanted to get married when I was younger
14. I have never thought I could feel so comfortable with someone
15. I hate when he is not home
16. I have two amazing little boys
17. I am Tandem nursing the boys and will nurse them until they self-wean
18. I feel sorry for kids that have never been breastfed
19. I was never breastfed because my mom needed to take meds and was told that she couldn’t breastfeed me
20. I want to have 4 kids
21. I am an only child
22. I have a half brother and a step-brother
23. I have always wondered what it was like to have a real sibling
24. I have always wanted children
25. I want to adopt
26. I want to homeschool
27. I want to have a hobby farm
28. I would love to live in a communal setting
29. I hate crowds
30. As a child we lived in a house without electricity or a bathroom
31. I also lived in a ‘62 ford Econoline
32. I also lived in a tent for about 6 months
33. I have attended 11 schools, 6 of them before grade 6
34. I was in Foster care twice
35. My mother is/was a drug addict/alcoholic (and denies it)
36. My godmother used to shoplift meat by stuffing it into my coat
37. I have a love/hate relationship with my mother
38. I Have never had a ‘boys are yucky’ phase
39. I took 3 years of figure skating
40. I was in a choir for 4 years
41. I was in Air Cadets for 6 years
42. I was a officer for 2 years and taught drill and music
43. I hate Cadets and military
44. I played Trombone for 8 years
45. I was in two plays in high school
46. I did two musicals in College (Hair and Jesus Christ Superstar)
47. I designed/drew a poster for a play in College
48. I started College in Liberal Arts, I graduated in Creative Arts
49. I went half way across the country to study Native Studies and stayed only one semester
50. I graduated with a degree in Religion
51. I learned Hebrew
52. I am an Atheist
53. I have never believed in a god
54. I went to many different churches when I young
55. I don’t know what I could do with my degree
56. I love a good debate
57. As a child I was addicted to Archie comics and Judy Bloom novels
58. My favourite books are: The Pillars of the Earth, Wicked, Harry Potter, Narnia,
59. My favourite kid books are: The Butterfly Ball & the Grasshopper’s Feast, No Kiss for Mother,
60. My favourite movies: The Big Lobowski, Oh Brother where art thou?, Ghost World, Amadeus, Harold and Maude ( and well almost anything by Tim Burton)
    
61. My Favourite music: Barenaked Ladies, Great Big Sea, Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, Nick Cave, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Chris de Burgh,
62. I don’t wear make up
63. I don’t dye my hair
64. I only have 2 pairs of pants that I wear for days at a time
65. I only wear PJ’s at home
66. I hate having things (socks and shoes)on my feet
67. I get insulted if someone doesn’t take off their shoes coming into my house
68. I always remember the smell of people's homes
    
69. I have always wanted to write a book
70. I have worked as a cashier, receptionist, office temp, at a vet, grocery store sample lady, portrait photographer.
71. I am lazy
72. I bake bread every 1-2 days
73. I like window shopping
74. I am very sensitive to scents
75. I get offended if someone smokes close to me or my kids
76. I am a Leo
77. I was born in the year of the snake
78. I once saw a Lion up close at a sad little Cliffside “zoo” in Monaco
79. I have 2 tattoos : a sleeping lion cub on my ankle and a dove on my back
80. I love to travel
81. I have long strawberry-dirty blond hair & blue eyes
82. I am not afraid of getting older
83. I have two cats “Nelson” and “sparky”
84. 15 year old Nelson pee’s everywhere but I can’t imagine “putting him down”
85. I would start woodworking but don’t have money for tools
86. I want to make toys
87. I watch too much TV
88. I love to sew
89. I love to knit (Nelson peed on my last project though)
90. I have Asthma
91. I have had several operations: Tonsils and adenoids (removed), Appendicitis (removed), ruptured ovarian cysts, bleeding polyps in my gall bladder (removed) & a Spitz Nevus (Juvenile melanoma) on my cheek (removed)
92. I was once attacked by an army of ants
93. I was once attacked by bees (I had about a dozen stings)
94. I once came face to face with a bear
95. At 5 years old I persuaded a teenager to put me on his back while he dove off a 100 foot cliff into a swimming hole
96. I almost drowned in a lake at 1 year old, after a friend of the family dove three times and finally found my foot and brought me to the surface I squeeled ‘encore!’ (more!)
97. I don’t go to the doctor
98. I am scared of Dentists
99. I love staying at home
100. I would like to have more friends IRL

Can't make any excuses....

Cleaning up the playroom we found the recumbant bicycle... not that the 150 pound thing was really lost it was just conveniantly out of the way... Simon asked me what I wanted to do with it.. I told him that we could put it away cause I don't get the chance to use it much... he looked at me and said... 'No, guess what... every night after supper when you want to go on the computer you are going to do at least 5 min"
I can't get around it... no excuse will work... I have been putting it off and I shouldn't make excuses... When I bought it I was actively losing weight, and I started with 5 min every 2-3 days and within a month I was doing 30 min every morning...
Thanks for the kick in the but sweetie!!

A few posts that I am writing...

I am in the process of writing a few posts that will appear soon...

"AP may be my religion but Sears is not my god"
"Parenting and Guilt"
"Holier-then-thou? who's really doing the judging"
and "100 things about me"

But for now....

Add your self to the Map
&
Open question period... Ask me anything and I will answer!

The season's a coming....

First of all... in light of tomorrow… happy turkey day to my southern neighbours...For the rest us you... well... happy Thursday!

I was thinking about the Traditions of the holidays and what my family traditions have been and what traditions I want to keep and make for my own…

To begin with…
I come from a typical Catholic French-Canadian Family.
When I was younger Xmas was celebrated by having a late supper at my grandmother’s on Xmas Eve with all of the traditional French-Canadian dishes…

- Ragoût de boulette et de Pattes de cochon (meatball and pig feet stew)
- Tourtière (Meat Pie)
- Turkey
- Cranberry sauce
- Mashed Potatoes and Peas (I didn’t eat the peas)
and for desert Sugar pie and  Ice Cream Yule Log

At midnight we would all gather around the tree and exchange gifts…

At about the time I met Simon, my grandmother moved into a smaller home and we stopped going there for Xmas eve… us kids were growing up and having other places to go and it was just becoming a lot of work for my grandmother to do by herself…
The traditional supper was moved to New Years day…
For 2 years I went to Simon’s mom’s and sister’s home for Xmas eve while my mom started a new tradition… she and my step dad would invite a few friends over who didn’t have families to go to and have a Chinese Fondue and just eat for hours on end… with entrée’s of all different kinds of cheeses and bread, smoked salmon and escargot….
The third year of this I decided to stay and partake of this supper also and since then it has become a tradition…
When Xavier was born we no longer had the extra friends come over and instead invited Simon’s mom and Sister and we started to do this at our home instead of at my mom’s home…
This has been our tradition since…
With the death of my step-dad last December it was a hard time last year and wasn’t a very joyous occasion at all…  and this year my mom’s new boyfriend will be the new face… and I am still not sure of my reaction to this…

Because Simon’s mom and Sister don’t sleep over Xmas eve the kids get their presents before they go to bed and the rest of the gifts are opened on Xmas morning…

What traditions I miss and want to bring back or introduce…

-the traditional supper… it is the supper that my great grandmother would make when she was the head of the family and the one that I have just always associated with Xmas… I think it is one tradition that I would love to bring back… it may be a weird menu for people that have never tasted it but for us me it brings me back to my roots… and the smell of sage, savoury and thyme just mean Xmas for me…

- putting the presents out while the kids are asleep… usually they just accumulate under the tree appearing when they get wrapped….

-  I would love to make it a big deal of telling stories that deal with the traditions of the holiday… Why we have a tree, why there are lights on the tree, the meaning of the star why we exchange gifts and  all of the pagan roots of the holiday etc…

What are your traditions? I would love to get more ideas….